Archive for February, 2011

Guns R God

February 18, 2011

I am a hunter, a gun owner, a Marine, an evangelical Christian, a native of Texas where the Land Commissioner believes a bullet is the best answer, and I have been married to the same woman for 57 years. Guys like me have a lot to fear. Without guns we would be as incidental as women, as superfluous as Palestinians. Guys like me pledge allegiance to one nation, divisible, under guns with all the liberty and justice you can hang on to with AK-47s and cop-killer bullets.

We fear losing profits. We don’t make guns but we can make money with guns. Sure, you can hold up a pick-and-pack store and scrounge a few bucks if you pack heat but you can sell a gun to someone who holds up banks and pick up a few hundred bucks. You can make thousands if you buy high velocity, rapid-fire guns and sell them to the Mexican mafia or the mentally disarranged or terrified CEOs defending their bonuses, stock options, golden parachutes, personal corporate-owned luxury cars, jet airplanes, condos in Paris, resorts in Tahiti, penthouses in Vienna and air-conditioned tents in Saudi Arabia.

The value of guns appreciates quickly, especially if you create fear with a whimper campaign quoting the oil industry’s favorite pseudo-scientist that today the sky is four and a-tad-more-than-one-eighth inches lower than it was when Christians discovered gunpowder and Leviticus. Man, that’s scary. Shoot up the sky!

Even scarier than losing profits is paying taxes. We demand a powerful military, safe streets, the world’s best schools, heavily-subsidized capitalism, superior communication and transportation systems and we want others to pay for it. We want the Ten Commandments in court rooms, not board rooms. We want entitlement to protection from those we have injured and killed, to tax shelters and tax write-offs, to Enron-inspired market self-policing, and Lehman Brothers virtuoso performance. If tobacco kills enough people consumers won’t use it. If enough people die eating contaminated  people will stop eating meat. If car rollovers kill enough people, people will stop buying cars, if the courts don’t seal the records at the request of the car makers. If wings fall off enough airplanes then customers will pick other airplanes in which to fly. If advertisers mislead consumers long enough consumers will no longer pay to be duped. But the federal government wants to police the market rather than our bedrooms. That can happen if the feds register our guns. Or limits our firepower.

Even scarier than taxes are women. Trust me. I have one. Women are getting closer to equality and control of their own bodies and without guns a man is helpless to defend himself, his family or his job from women who compete on an almost level field. The best defense against liberated women is a shotgun, at least twelve gauge with a minimum of two shots; six is better as they are harder to kill than entitlements for the rich.

Scarier than women are Muslims. Or those who look like Muslims, dress like Muslims, think like Muslims, act like Muslims, could be Muslims, have un-American names, or wish to build a community center near a sacred site, like your back yard or a nearby state. I recommend a sniper rifle because there aren’t many and you can pick them off one at a time.

Scarier than Muslims are brown people. There are so many of them. And they work so hard. And they earn so little. And they are so close. For protection from them you need quad .50s or better to keep them from over-running your garbage cans.

Scarier than brown people are black people. Man, they are just scary. Even little black children are scary. And they are infiltrating private schools the same way they did public schools, and government offices, legislatures, Congress, even churches. This will require bombs. There will be collateral damage but that’s what bombs are best known for.

Scarier than black people are gays. And they want the same lifestyle as you. They want family. They want to have children. They want to be your relative. They want to go to your church. They want to go to your heaven. They want to be your friend. The only way to keep them at a distance is to strap a claymore mine to your chest. You can place it either way for the same effect. When they close in on you, just trigger the detonator. You will never be scared again.