Do You Have a Rapture Lawyer

DO YOU HAVE A RAPTURE LAWYER?

The Lord is going to return very soon, probably before the next election.  If your chances of being raptured are greater than those of a pecan pie at a Baptist picnic you need a rapture lawyer.  As you rise into glory, what happens to your estate?

You may think you don’t need a rapture lawyer because you have a valid will leaving everything to your wife.  What if the rapture comes while you are driving your car, you disappear in the air, and your car goes smash into an X-rated video store?  Your wife is going to the poor house, and your estate is going to a pornographer and pervert.

You may think you don’t need a rapture lawyer because you have given up driving, along with other litigious liabilities, and you have a valid will leaving everything to your wife, children and grandchildren.  What happens if you raised them right, correcting your wife along the way, and they are raptured with you?  You may think you will be so happy in heaven with God, the angels, your relatives–including your sainted mother who preceded you–that you won’t care what happens to your estate.  Think again.  The estate that you spent your life trying to protect from the government is going to be seized by Uncle Sam.  And you’re going to feel like hell.

You may think you don’t need a rapture lawyer because your estate will be safe in the hands of those who are as likely to be raptured as Bishop Spong–your wife, who is Satan’s sibling, and her spawn, who watched public television while you were in church, hid the remote when you prayed, and sneaked beer into the house while you read your Bible.  Before your will can be probated, your heirs will have to prove you are dead.  Where is your body?  Where is your death certificate?

You may think you have cause for serenity because teachers will be treasured before lawyers are levitated.  This is true.  The post-rapture world will be filled with lawyers and other nonChristians.  The mendacious shall inherit the earth.  Liberals will occupy the White House, the Supreme Court and both houses of Congress.  And they are going to want your money to throw at programs like health and education that do nothing to make the military stronger or the markets more profitable.

You need a rapture lawyer.  This is the age of specialization.  Would you hire Johnny Cochrane to defend you if you were charged with murder?  Well, yes.  But would you hire him to defend you in bankruptcy court?  Or would you accuse him of putting you in bankruptcy court?

You need a rapture lawyer who knows how to certify that you are in heaven with Jesus and not in Bimini with a blonde, a bikini, and a bag of money.  You need a rapture lawyer to see that the godless government doesn’t get your assets, even if he has to take them himself.

The time is short.  The crisis is now.  Liberty College and Southern Baptist Seminaries offer classes in rapture law to lawyers who foresee being left behind.

James Dobson has set up a hot line for your questions.  “Should I make provisions for the child my unwed daughter now carries or will the innocent embryo be raptured?  Is there immaculate abortion?”  “My will leaves everything to the library of Liberty College.  After the rapture, who will use the library?”  “My estate will go to my church.  How can I keep someone, who will be left behind because he goes to church only to meet widows, from getting any part of it?”  “If I leave my assets to the Eagle Forum, who will be left to administer it after the rapture?”  “If the rapture comes and by error I am left behind, who should I ask to plead my case?  The pope or a rapture lawyer?”

Call now.  1-800-rap-shur.

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